surgery or love?

in that moment, you acted and looked at me and treated me like i had changed – like i was some new daughter sitting there in front of you. and perhaps i was. perhaps i had been fading into this new person. i changed. but people change. and instead of still loving me for i was, in that moment – still your daughter, but changed – i feel like you chose surgery. i feel like you never tried to understand. so instead, it became and perhaps still is – do what must be done. you chose surgery. only you didn’t and don’t look inside. i know you love me, but part of me wonders if that’s all i ever wanted – was for you to see my pain. perhaps that’s all i still want.

. . . .

“In surgery, the healing process begins with a cut, an incision, the tearing of flesh. We have to damage the healthy flesh in order to expose the unhealthy. It feels cruel and against common sense, but it works. You risk exposure for the sake of healing, and when it’s over, once the incision has been closed, you wait. You wait and hope that your patient will heal. That you haven’t in fact, just made everything worse.”

i had an interesting therapy session today, in my mind at least. i went back to this memory that i am referring to above in a way i never have. i have held on to it as a memory, yes. but i was IN it again today for that time. why it was this memory that came to mind, i’m not sure. but as i sat there coloring my anger… i feel like i left and i wasn’t in that room – i was in that memory. sitting on a couch not much different than the one i really was sitting on. but back then, in that moment of that memory. but i was talking in the present, in reality. outside of my memory, my head. and the words that came surprised me. how intensely vulnerable i felt for that brief time. i started out being so angry… yet, i remember shedding one tear. did it wash that one memory away? or, at least the intensity of it?

i’ve felt calmer since then, for the rest of this day. yet what strikes me as somewhat strange is how… okay i was and am with being that intensely vulnerable for those few minutes. right there, in that room, in front of my head lady. there is still this tiny part of me that feels nervous, that wants to run. but the feeling of… okay – is so much stronger. and honestly, it feels so very new to me to feel that way about how i felt during those few minutes. i knew i was depersonalizing… and maybe she did too, considering i remember her talking about it some and what felt as almost random. but it was a different feeling of it. it was peaceful. i felt peaceful.

maybe i peeled back on layer today. maybe i exposed one part of me in a way i haven’t before. but as i said, there is some nervousness there. but mostly… i’m at peace with it, right now.

. . . .

i was somewhat confused with what my head lady was talking about in the end, what she was trying to point out. but… i was kind of out of it. she did a guided meditation with me and. it was so, so powerful for me. my mind did wander at points, my visuals i suppose… there was Archangel Gabriel, out of nowhere. – well, i did happen to request help from the Archangels a couple days ago during a meditation, but did not find the following information until just now… (“He is the Archangel of annunciation, humanity, resurrection, heavenly mercy, vengeance, death, revelation, truth, and hope. Bringer of news and heralds the revealing of answers. Maker of changes.” – says this. // “Your inner child aspect refers to the child-like presence inside of you that needs to feel love and nurturing as well as joy and playfulness. … Call upon her to help you learn and heal from past memories.” … “If you’ve asked for Gabriel’s help and notice the color copper on at least three separate occasions in a short span, you have most likely received validation of her presence and support.” – says this. = how interesting to have come across a penny this morning and noticed it was from 1998… the year things started to really first go downhill, i believe…)

but at the end, when i was suppose to see what i was visualizing transforming or shifting… the memory became me in what seemed as though it was some kind of confessional, although i have never been in one. and i stood up, set down my weapon on the window, sat back down, and started to just freely cry. and i could feel it in my chest in reality. and to be honest… it felt really, really good. and… calming.

so. was this my eye-opener? of the possibility that this was the beginning? the beginning of… stripping me down, perhaps? peeling back the layers? was this it? is all i can think of, to be honest. so when i go back for on wednesday… do i make a different kind of start, and show that i can put a trust in her that i sicnerely and honestly did not expect to come out of this from even before i met her for the first time? i have to wonder. i need to meditate on it, i think. because part of me finally feels so very compelled to at least give her half. half of these things i’ve been holding on to for so very long it seems now. i know i can only do half… but i believe it would be a start. of complete trust. and of getting rid of my “back up plan” because… because maybe i really can get and be better.

safe. trust.

a  four & a five letter word. and yet… the strength, depth, and meaning they hold.

when i saw head doctor today, he did a weigh in on me. i stood backwards, which i was pretty proud of myself about, i guess. and i also knew well enough that if i knew exact numbers that wouldn’t be good – so i told him i didn’t want to know them. however, i couldn’t stop myself and asked if there had been an increase since a couple weeks ago. i probably shouldn’t have. but i did. it was too late to take back. he told there’d actually been a decrease… “a good one.”

encouraging, yes… but in a good way? i’m not quite sure yet. perhaps it was either the seroquel itself or the insatiable hunger & therefore night time binges (in my mind they were, although my previous therapist said she wouldn’t call them that, implying “it wasn’t enough food” when i told her what i’d had just the night before. how… i’m not even sure of the right word, i guess. but i will say that i’m definitely glad i decided to open a new door and see my new head lady, for several reasons.)

either way, perhaps i can start feeling a little bit (however small that may be) better about myself in that regard, & get back a little more self-esteem. i don’t know. but i am joining the gym this coming monday, and i’m pretty excited to be honest.

anyway, i’m going to try and not get started thinking about food (or lack of?) anymore than what i do think already throughout just one day.

i’m really trying not to wreck where i am mentally & emotionally right now, even if i do have some moments that are more on the down side.

i think i’m up for peeling back some layers. in this moment anyway. but hopefully that feeling can stick around for a bit. it’s what i want – for quite some time now, actually. i know, logically, that it would probably do me some good. i also know it’s probably way past time.

i’m sitting here with THIS echoing through my headphones into my ears, my head:

i feel peaceful. calm. …hopeful, whether that may be strange or not. it’s this, really: “and we will lie like river stones, rolling only where it takes us.” i want to be more (inwardly) relaxed. i want to be able to ‘go with the flow’ more often, and with more ease. i want to remember that i can’t control every little thing, as well as not every little thing has to be ‘perfect.’

i want to enjoy things more.

i’ve noticed that i have been able to lately, actually, and with more ease than so long i don’t remember it really at all. for instance: driving alone in my car, listening to really good music that’s surrounding me, and despite being winter and cold – feeling the burst of afternoon sunlight hitting me through the windows. and i can smile. and it feels really, really good. i can feel the smile start at the corners of my mouth, and i allow myself to enjoy the sensation of it spreading across my face… and by the time it’s formed, i feel it deep inside of me. and it’s amazing. and i’ve missed that. and i’m grateful to have it right now.

i feel very… inside of myself right now. usually that can lead to not such a good place, to be honest. but tonight feels quite different. it feels good. serene, ha. i feel, right now, like every moment is more meaningful than the last. and i really that i knew the questions to ask myself at this time, the questions that i’ve been needed to have asked of me for so very long – and although i’m not sure what they would, as i said, i can feel them… and i wish they could come, right now, because i feel like the answers would come to me so easily and honestly.

but for now, i guess i’ll just keep trying to enjoy where i am. because that’s the simplest truth right now it seems… i’m right here. and that’s okay. and i’m okay.

i’m having a low moment i guess, in comparison to the somewhat recent. but despite that, i can’t seem to shake a general feeling of doubt that i don’t have the strength to ever end this war raging inside of me.

but… as a result of some recent conversations, i must wonder now if there isn’t also another side of things. do our lives also contain the aspect of a domino effect? there is, of course, the old saying – “everything will fall into place.” or do our lives also or instead contain the aspect of the butterfly effect? because i believe everything happens for a reason, even if we can’t see it at the time or possibly even ever, for that matter i suppose.

then again, could life be comprised of all of these theories and possibly more? i find life fascinating, and it’s interesting to think about all of its possibilities, but perhaps it is not the understanding of life completely that is as important as it is the experiencing, the living. being present.

such questions, such thoughts at 6:30 in the morning.

. . . .

10mg of zyprexa last night. didn’t make that tired which is good, because i actually was able to solve a work issue i’ve been struggling with and ended up getting a lot done last night. finally got to bed about 1AM, woke up around 3AM, was able to go back to sleep but then had to be up at 5AM. so i slept a combined total of roughly 4 hours. i suppose i did, however, take a 2 hour nap yesterday late afternoon, though.

i did have a distant dream, which is what i’m pretty sure woke me up after the couple hours or so. a person from my recent past was there, someone whom i made the decision to part ways with – a. i was somewhere, some kind of controlled setting perhaps, and she was being mean and rude to me and controlling some kind of circumstances that i couldn’t, and that i couldn’t change, so as to prevent me from leaving – even though i really wanted to. i ended up getting really frustrated and upset towards the end of it, probably about when i woke up from it. // (i would have to guess at this one that once again the theme of trying to “get away” is presenting itself. if i step back further and assume that a was also representing an aspect of myself – then perhaps i am being too hard on myself, if not even mean at times, and that’s why i am unable to move forward. perhaps it’s telling me i don’t have enough love and respect for myself yet to progress on this new journey.)

i think it is definitely time that i work on having more respect and love for myself. i just always feel guilty, or as though everyone else/everything else needs or should come first. that i need to fulfill the roles in my relationships that i feel i at some point allowed myself to take on, and as a result perhaps i have somewhere along the way lost track of myself. it’s just that having respect and love for myself seems so foreign to me… the last time i remember truly accepting myself was years ago, long enough that i feel, personally, as though i have forgotten how to. but i am hoping that someday, i can get back to the place. maybe hope is enough for now.

[i am really glad i have started to record my dreams... i feel like it's bringing about a lot more insight to myself. even if my interpretations aren't always one hundred percent correct... i think it's okay because doing this has really been helping.]

this is actually what I wanted to write:

she says she thinks she can peel back my layers and we’ll do work on my core. I may or may not remember some things. the whole layers thing, though… sounds oddly familiar. (almost like an onion perhaps?) anyway, it should be interesting… the idea of it makes me nervous. the last time I tried peeling back the layers… the person left. not completely by choice perhaps, but they still left. it’s just that I already can sense there are more layers than even I know… and to start and go through that process again requires, I feel, an utmost sense of letting go and trusting. and I do trust j, but… I don’t know. perhaps it was just the phrasing that, unbeknownst to her, took me back to the memory of the person I gave so much trust just all of a sudden not being there. so I’m nervous, and scared.

also: am I, myself, ready to see and feel what all has been buried underneath layer upon layer of covering up, hiding, blocking out?

the time does feel now. so perhaps I should brace myself for the ride…

it still takes me aback to be honest that p has been so nice and caring towards me. not that i doubt her sincerity – that’s not it at all. actually, i feel as though it feels extremely real. but i just feel as though we just never really had a connection until recently – and all of a sudden, i feel a really strong one. and it just feels really great knowing and believing that someone could care that much and be that nice, that is in a position that i don’t myself deem as they “have to.” and while i didn’t go into extreme details, i did pretty much end up laying out most or all of my “issues.” so. maybe if i could step back from the situation with my parents, and look at things more logically, i could see that it’s not that i don’t doubt they’re love and care and support fully – but more so that it’s just not as real or possibly in the way that i wish it could be… because they can’t. because they choose the alcohol first. and so perhaps it just doesn’t come through as clear.

but this whole thing, all of this, makes me feel more positive in a huge way. that i would be missed. and that perhaps there really is something that i project or that is there and people can see even when they’re not that close. and i just can’t see it. but i feel right now as though i would really, really love to work towards being able to see it someday. i want to see it.

or on a much deeper level… are these last few days actually the first days on my journey back to… me?

because i’m not quite sure who “me” is. and i’m still quite intrigued by the knowledge that i honestly don’t remember this feeling. the feeling i’ve had the past few days, that i can’t quite still put words to. that it’s been that long.

so. where am i going? i know where i’d like to go, i suppose. but for the last year i’ve kind of had the notion of it never happening grained into my brain by… well, my brain. all i guess that i really know is that i just want to feel… better. good. happy more often. at peace with myself, and not at war so much.

i should probably try and stop explaining this away, if only i could remember that. i just can’t seem to help myself for some reason. is this WHY i, personally, believe that i don’t fully feel things? i mean… how can i fully feel emotions when i’m too busy already trying to explain them away, trying to make sense of them, trying to be rational, being too logical. aren’t emotions not always suppose to be logical? aren’t you just suppose to feel feelings?

anyway, enough for now. “here’s to the days.”

//

med update: went back down to 10mg of zyprexa last night, per my head doctor’s instructions.

//

i only remember one dream last night, close to waking up. it was brief, but happy. i’d ran into someone from a while ago now, and they were happy to see me. really happy, actually. // (so. wow. i hadn’t even thought about this dream when i’d started typing this entry, but maybe all these dreams HAVE had meaning, purpose. because this entry somehow ended up correlating almost perfectly with my dream. because i think i’d have to take the dream as meaning, while thinking about it now, that i had suddenly and unexpectedly found someone from my past, yes. and they were happy to see me again. i’ve heard it said that a lot of times people in dreams are really just symbolizing ourselves. so what if – i had suddenly and unexpectedly saw myself again – if even just a glimpse – and that i was happy about it? really happy? and because this person is from my past – that i had returned to myself… maybe i’m back. if any of this makes any sense i’m not quite sure, but to me it does and is actually quite intriguing… perhaps i should meditate on it for a while.)

i try a lot of days to make a schedule for myself, small little goals and times to go with them. but a lot more often i’m not doing that anymore. and i know that when i do, i feel like i’ve made these accomplishments throughout the day, however small they may be or seem to others. so i would like to set a goal for myself of bringing more organization to my days. i think it might just help.

i told him that i know the lack of good sleep has got to be the cause of this miserable (mood wise) last year. he says he thinks i’ve just been in a mixed state, which i knew i was at the time at least, and had been pointed out to me the day before by my head lady… but it didn’t occur to me that although i’ve had peaks of hypomania/mania & valleys of depressions, that the past year could have been a MIXED episode. i suppose it makes sense, though.

anyway, he told me that thursday night i should double (10mg) my zyprexa, and friday night (last night), quadruple it. then, if i was feeling better, i could go back down to the double for now. so, i did. yesterday, after the double… well, i knew i’d had some dreams but they were the most distant they had been in awhile. i felt surprisingly… good yesterday. i had to take a short nap in the afternoon, but other than that i had energy. i had things i wanted to accomplish, but not in the way that happens when i’m manic. when i did feel my beginning symptoms of mania starting, i was able to remember to do my breathing chart. i could think pretty clear, too. a lot clearer than i anticipated, for sure. i was able to stop thoughts that just the day before would have started my head spinning in a downward spiral. and… my mind felt… lighter. calm. it was really nice.

last night, i took the quadruple dose (20mg). i woke up twice during the night (exactly 2 hours apart), but was able to go back to sleep. i don’t remember any dreams at all until a little before i woke up, and i think they were influenced because i received a text message from bg and the dreams were related to it. also, i was able to wake up this morning much easier than i thought. i suppose it’s too early to see how the day will go. i do definitely feel a little drop in energy than yesterday so far and a little slower than yesterday as well. but, i’m trying to tell myself the 20mg was only one night.

i know my head doctor knows his stuff. so maybe this temporary increase will be enough to get my sleep back under control and stabilize me out some. i’m crossing my fingers.